HOMECOMING: Making the Transition

Deployment is an important part of military life. While separation is hard on families, reuniting can often be even more difficult. That’s because homecomings can be a time of celebration, as well as change.

Both married and single troops’ family members experience a variety of feelings before and after being reunited. Many of these emotions are perfectly normal. In fact, there are three stages that many experience during homecomings: anticipation, readjustment and stabilization.

By learning more about each stage, you will better understand and cope with your emotions as they occur.

The last weeks and days before a homecoming are filled with mounting excitement, tension and even nervousness. Days may be spent in busy preparation for the service member’s return. Fantasies of an even better relationship may surface, taking the place of reality as the day of reunion draws closer.

Here are a few tips to keep your feet firmly planted during this time frame:

• Make preparations stress-free.
• Don’t make elaborate plans (keep it simple).
• Keep expectations reasonable.
• Recognize that each person has his or her own, often different expectations.
• Be flexible.
• Remember that it’s natural that this time is stressful.

As the experience of homecoming fades, a readjustment stage follows. This is a time of renewal and the possible renegotiation of roles and responsibilities. Experts have identified two phases of readjustment:

Phase One: Honeymoon

This stage usually lasts until the first serious disagreement. You may experience:

• Feelings of euphoria, relief
• Blur of excitement
• Catching up and sharing experiences
• Beginning to reestablish intimacy

Phase Two: Readjustment

This stage usually lasts about six to eight weeks. You may experience:

• Intensified pressures
• Dealing with changes
• Sensitivity to the service member’s presence
• Tension as the idealized relationship confronts reality

During both phases of readjustment, you can expect that:

• Communication may be difficult at first.
• Roles in the family may have changed.
• Family rituals may have changed.
• Activities and interests may have changed.
• The returning service member may feel he or she is not needed.

Here are a few tips for successfully working through the readjustment stage:

• Reestablish communication. Talk to each other. Be open and listen to each other. Be aware of new feelings and needs within yourself that may affect your relationship.
• Renegotiate the relationship and redefine your roles. During deployment you may have realized new skills and abilities. This can frighten the returning service member, who may believe that he or she is no longer needed.
• Show respect for the job you each did (and avoid comparing hardships).
• Talk about the differences between being needed and wanted.
• Don’t change systems that have been working well.
• Explain to your returning family member how finances have been handled during his or her absence. Integrate them back into the decision-making process.
• Expect that it will take time to reestablish intimacy. Sexual relationships may be awkward at first; couples need time together to become reacquainted before achieving the level of intimacy that existed before the separation.

Remember to include your children in many activities during this time frame. Just as adults have changed during the separation, so too have children. They have grown physically, emotionally and socially. They may feel confused and unsure. Make sure that you set aside special time to listen to their concerns and to address their feelings.

Here are a few additional tips for helping children during the readjustment stage:

• Have the service member share his or her experiences during the past months.
• Allow individual time for each child and the returning spouse.
• Encourage teens to share events in their lives.
• Respect each other’s privacy.
• Encourage everyone to be nonjudgmental.

Once the readjustment stage ends, you will experience stabilization. The amount of time it takes for families to readjust varies. Many families will experience only minor difficulty in adjusting to new routines. For others, readjustment may be a longer process.

Ultimately, planning ahead, communicating and seeking help, if necessary, can alleviate the challenges of reuniting.

Programs that are available to help you through the stages of reunion include your Air Force Family Support Center, Army Community Services Center or Navy Family Services Center.